The Rover-Landers of BC

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks
over at his wife and says: 'Your butt is getting really big, I mean really
big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.'

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and
then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's
bottom.

Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!'
The woman chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes
some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off 'What's
wrong?' he asks. ...............
She answers: 'Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill
for one little weenie?

A woman from Vancouver, who was a tree hugger and anti-hunter, purchased acres of timberland near Lake Cowichan, Vancouver Island. There was a huge ancient tree on one of the highest points in the tract.

She wanted to view the natural splendor of her land, so she climbed the tree. As she neared the top, she encountered an endangered spotted owl. It attacked her! In her haste to escape, the woman slid
down the tree to the ground.

The ensuing fall incurred several splinters of wood in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor, 35 minutes away inDuncan . She told him she was an environmentalist and anti-hunter and how she came to receive all of the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience. He then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help.

The impatient patient sat, and sat, and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded,
'What took you so long?'

He smiled and said, 'Well, I had to get permits from Environment Canada , BC Forest Service and Worksafe BC before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down.'

A couple has a dog that snores. The woman takes the dog to their vet, who
tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog’s testicles and he will stop
snoring. “Yeah right!” she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog
begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering
to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of bright red ribbon and
ties it carefully around the dog’s testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring.
The woman is more than amazed that it worked. The next night, the husband
comes home late after being out late with his buddies. He climbs into bed,
falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon
will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of dark blue
ribbon, and ties it around her husband’s testicles. Amazingly, it also works on
him! The woman sleeps soundly. The husband wakes from his drunken stupor
and stumbles into the bathroom.As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in
the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused,
and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his
dog’s testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says, “I don’t know
where we were or what we did last night, but by God,

we got first and second place!”

A plane was on its way to Toronto, when a Blonde in economy class gets up, & moves to first class & sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this, & asks to see her ticket. She tell the Blonde that she paid for economy class & that she will have to sit in the back.

The Blonde replies, "I'm Blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto & I'm staying right here."

The flight attendant goes to the cockpit & tells the pilot & the co-pilot that their is a Blonde bimbo sitting in first class who belongs in economy, & won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the Blonde & tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leaves & return to here seat.

The Blonde replies, "I'm Blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto & I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this Blonde who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, " You say she's a Blonde? I'll handle this , I'm married to a Blonde. I speak Blonde."

He goes back to the Blonde & whispers in her ear, & she says "OH I'm sorry," & gets up & goes back to here seat in economy.

The flight attendant & co-pilot are amazed & ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

"I told her, First class isn't going to Toronto!"

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.

The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman, in particular, loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.

'I'm too young to die,' she wails.

Then she yells, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth
to be memorable!

Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'


For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.

They all stare, eyes riveted, at this desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a cowboy from Alberta stands up in the rear of the plane.



He is handsome, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.



He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one
button at a time.



No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.



She gasps.





He whispers . . .

'Iron this. Then get me a beer'.

LMFAO...

http://damnyouautocorrect.com/category/best-of-dyac/

:lol: A good one from my cousin in England :lol:


GHOST SEX

A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Ahmed replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."

Cheers
Derek N
'58, S2, 88"
:blu2a:

:D
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'Racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you

something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or, if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was

German?

Or, if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or, if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or, if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?


The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did

you ask me if I'm Polish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

Cheers
Derek N
'58, S2, 88"
:blu2a:

:D :D :D
Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "A've got everythin'
organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".

Archie nods approvingly.

"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. Whit's the tartan?"

"Och," says Jimmy, "A'd imagine she'll be in white

Cheers
Derek N
'58, S2, 88"
:blu2a: