The Rover-Landers of BC

Ok, I think its time our Forum had one of those threads that just won't die. so lets start adding your latest funny in a joke thread. That way we can all read it and be the life of the watercooler crowd at work the next day...

So come on Bernie, Stuart, Andrew, Rick, Bill, and the rest of you that like to email jokes around, share them with everyone else!

INSTALLING A HUSBAND


Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
· Romance 9.5 and
· Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as

· NASCAR 6.0,
· NFL 5.1 and
· Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

· Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate.



DEAR DESPERATE,
First, keep in mind,
· Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
· Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0update.
· If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour7.0 or Beer 6.1.
· Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program. These are unsupported applications and will crashHusband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
· Cooking 3.0 and
· Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck Babe!

Tech Support

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn (Name of the
establishment changed to protect the innocent)that tickled
my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled).

I bought something really cool for for my wife. The occasion was our
anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet
girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer
gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this
product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs
designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low
amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed
to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,
but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the
prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it
will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching,
whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in
action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I
was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no
stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular
model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I
do love fire for effect. I learned that, if I pushed the button, however,
and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so
looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of
electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for
your information, but I have yet to explain to the wife what that burn spot
is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, etc., etc.
There I sat on my couch, my dog, Mini, looking on intently (trusting
little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Mini) and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood
target. I must admit I thought about zapping Mini for a fraction of a
second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet dog, after all.
But, if I was going to give this thing to the wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to
me at the time...

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, and BBT hat on my head,
directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a
one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this
little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy
triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin'
way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what
followed. I'm sitting there alone, Mini looking on with her head
cocked to one side as if to say, "Don't do it, buddy," reasoning that a
one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that
bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you
agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell
of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always
twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the
fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
**************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura
ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then
body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall
waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body
in the oddest position. Mini was standing over me making funny
sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking
to herself, "Do it again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel
compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is
no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not
going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by
a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't
dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)
SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as
time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what
little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My hat
was on the mantel of the fireplace. How did that get get there???
My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face
felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed
88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm
offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and
handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get
'em back.

This one from Bernie a couple of years ago. Can you tell?
:lol:

At last...A REAL Man's Chain Letter!

This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one doesn't cost anything!

Just send a copy of this letter to five of your male friends who are equally tired and discontent. Then bundle up your wife and/or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.

When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have.

At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, four of whom were worth keeping.

This chain also brings good luck. One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy playmate.

An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooter's waitress and a Hollywood super model.

You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One guy broke the chain and got his wife back again.

Let's keep it going, men! Just add your name to the list below.

----------------------
Bill Clinton
780 3rd Ave
New York, NY 10017


Billie Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017



Billy Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017


B. Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

William Jefferson Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

W. Jefferson Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

W. Jeff Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

W. J. Clinton

780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

W. Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

William J Clinton
780 3r d Ave.
New York, NY 10017

Willem Clinton</SPAN>
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

Wilhelm Clinton
780 3rd Ave.</SPAN>
New York, NY 10017

Billy Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York , NY 10017

Willie Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York , NY 10017

Will Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that
the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of
space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now
monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3,
Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Golfing 3.6.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my
favourite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0,
but the
uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User.....



REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade
from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and
Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by
its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0
and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to
uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not
allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child
Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the
situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to
alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system
will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0,
Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will
cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens,
the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase
additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short
Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause
irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,

Tech Support

OK, here is a list sent to me by Derek Norman. I particularily like item 13.

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just **** off and leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.

3. The darkest hour is just before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's' milk, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

6. No one is listening until you Fart.

7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

17. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and most of that comes from bad judgement.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.

21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

25. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse ... then things just get worse.

26. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

27. Why do we take an instant dislike to someone - because it saves time.

COWBOY POETRY - BUYING A BRA

This is GREAT! God Bless them thar dern Cowboys!








I ain't much for shopping,
Or for goin' into town
Except at cattle-shipping time,
I ain't too easily found.

But the day came when I had to go -
I left the kids with Ma.
But 'fore I left, she asked me,
'Would you pick me up a bra?'

So without thinkin' I said, 'Sure,'
How tough could that job be?
An' I bent down and kissed her
An' said, 'I'll be back by three.'

Well, I done the things I needed,
But I started to regret
Ever offering to buy that thing -
I worked me up a sweat


I walked into the ladies shop
My hat pulled over my eyes,
I didn't want to take a chance
On bein' recognized.

I walked up to the sales clerk -
I didn't hem or haw -
I told that lady right straight out,
'I'm here to buy a bra.'

From behind I heard some snickers,
So I turned around to see
Every woman in that store
Was a'gawkin' right at me!

'What kind would you be looking for?'
Well, I just scratched my head.
I'd only seen one kind before,
'Thought bras was bras,' I said.



She gave me a disgusted look,
'Well sir, that's where you're wrong.
Follow me,' I heard her say,
Like a dog, I tagged along.

She took me down this alley
Where bras was on display.
I thought my jaw would hit the floor
When I saw that lingerie.

They had all these different styles
That I'd never seen before
I thought I'd go plumb crazy
'fore I left that women's store.

They had bras you wear for eighteen hours
And bras that cross your heart.
There was bras that lift and separate,
And that was just the start.



They had bras that made you feel
Like you ain't wearing one at all,
And bras that you can train in
When you start off when you're small.

Well, I finally made my mind up -
Picked a black and lacy one -
I told the lady, 'Bag it up,'
And figured I was done.

But then she asked me for the size
I didn't hesitate
I knew that measurement by heart,
'A six-and-seven-eighths.'

'Six and seven eighths you say?
That really isn't right.'
'Oh, yes ma'am! I'm real positive -
I measured them last night!'



thought that she'd go into shock,
Musta took her by surprise
When I told her that my wife's bust
Was the same as my hat size.

'That's what I used to measure with,
I figured it was fair,
But if I'm wrong, I'm sorry ma'am.'
This drew another stare.

By now a crowd had gathered
And they all was crackin' up
When the lady asked to see my hat,
To measure for the cup.

When she finally had it figured,
I gave the gal her pay.
Then I turned to leave the store,
Tipped my hat and said, 'Good day.'



My wife had heard the story
'fore I ever made it home.
She'd talked to fifteen women
Who called her on the phone.

She was still a-laughin'
But by then I didn't care.
Now she don't ask and I don't shop
For women's underwear.


~ Author Unknown ~

The Queen's English

We think it's hard to learn a foreign language - here are some reasons why the English language is even harder to learn!

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
Neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that
run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.

And that is why, of course, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible!

A Beer Study:

Yesterday Doctors at the GMC suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of
female hormones in beer, men should take a look at their beer consumption. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn
into women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each within a one hour period. It was then observed that
100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to
think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.


No further testing is planned

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip
that can store and play music in women's breast implants.
The iBOOB will cost between $499 and $599. This is considered to be a
major breakthrough because women are always complaining about
men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Hi Dave, how far is too far for this forum? Should I just forward them to you and let you decide?

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
Correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task..

And if that were not all, yo u have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money
between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 pence.
Murphy said, "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's
shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all."
Murphy replied, "Don't worry -- just follow me." He went into the pub where
he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson
whisky.
Shamus said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be
in? We haven't got any money!"
Murphy replied with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!"
They downed their drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through
my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out. They continued
this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk all for free.
At the tenth pub, Shamus said, "Murphy, I don't think I can do any more
o'this. Me knees are killin' me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."

tony wrote:Hi Dave, how far is too far for this forum? Should I just forward them to you and let you decide?

:mi7: :mi7: :mi7:

That was a funny one!!!

I don't intend to censor this thread, unless the executive tells me to... but just remember your name is on your posting so keep that in mind when choosing your words. :lol:

cheers, Dave

A beloved cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.

A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.

The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.

I'm a gynecologist."

A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend
over to look at a horse

His buddy asks "How will I recognize him?"

That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment".

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male
or female horse.

"A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once
over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?

The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him
up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms
and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls
him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

"Perhapth I should rephrase that;
Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?

A guy walks into a bar in the middle of nowhere in wales, everyone inside goes silent and just stares at the stranger,
the chap walks calmley up to the barman and asks for a lager in a broad canadian accent, bar man says where ya from,
man says canada, barman says what ya do in canada? chap says im a taxidermist, barman says whats a taxidermist, chap
says i mount animals,


barman says loudly IT'S ALRIGHT BOYS HE'S ONE OF US.

Charlie had a massive heart attack and died. His body was delivered to the mortuary. He had been wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit at the time of his demise, so he really looked wonderful, considering the circumstances. His wife went to the funeral home to make the final arrangements for his interment. She spoke to the mortician about what her husband would be wearing.

The mortician pointed out that the man looked really nice in the black suit he was wearing, and that frankly it would be easier and less expensive to leave him dressed as he was. The woman noted that

Charlie had always looked his very best in blue, and that she really wanted him in a blue suit for his trip to eternity.

To silence the mortician's continued outcries, she gave him a blank check and said, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in the very best blue suit money can buy for the ceremony."

The woman came back the next day for the wake To her delight, she found her Charlie dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fit him perfectly.

She said to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job, and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the mortician presented her with the blank check, indicating there was no charge for these extra services.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she cried.

The mortician responded, "Honestly, ma'am, the change to the blue suit cost nothing. Funny thing, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing an attractive black suit. She indicated that it made no difference, as long as he looked nice...


So I switched the heads."

:lol:
Anyone looking for a hobby that requires absolutely no skill, might want to consider the below. You know just something to break up the day so to speak....
You know who you are now.......!

Rick, Greg, Victor, JD..........




BANNED FROM WAL-MART
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away. '

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least---

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

From my dear friend Dave H who lives in the back hills surrounding Victoria.

Cheers
Derek
Victoria. BC

































8) 8)

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten knob. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten knob?' She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.' She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle a and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?' She pointed and said, 'Of course, it's right there.'

If you're not sure what a 710 is Click Here http://www.hotautoweb.com/cogifs/710.jpg

:D As a young piper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a
grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The
funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this
man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As I was not familiar
with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not
stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe
and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in
sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the
side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I
assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the
proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their
lunch. I played out my heart and soul. As I played the workers began to
weep. I played, and I played, like I'd never played before: From My Home
& The Lord is my Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest . I closed the
lengthy session with amazing Grace and walked to my car. As I was
opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers
saying to another, 'Lard Jeezuz b'y, I never seen nothin' like that
before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.'
This one was sent to me by my good friend Pete, who lives in the sticks in Sooke.

Cheers
Derek N
110 Land Rover

This one from our pal Gerry in Prince George...

Billy Connolly goes to the Proctologist

Click to view video.

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress...

A sign read: 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.

There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!

The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and the same sign 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'.

He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?

'Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.'

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial; he decided to become a Land Rover mechanic!

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error with the grade".

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the Land Rover engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.

You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you the extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen that done before in my entire career!” :shock:

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and mixed emotions when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap; I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

She said, "You have the biggest penis of all your friends."

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks
over at his wife and says: 'Your butt is getting really big, I mean really
big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.'

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and
then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's
bottom.

Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!'
The woman chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes
some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off 'What's
wrong?' he asks. ...............
She answers: 'Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill
for one little weenie?

A woman from Vancouver, who was a tree hugger and anti-hunter, purchased acres of timberland near Lake Cowichan, Vancouver Island. There was a huge ancient tree on one of the highest points in the tract.

She wanted to view the natural splendor of her land, so she climbed the tree. As she neared the top, she encountered an endangered spotted owl. It attacked her! In her haste to escape, the woman slid
down the tree to the ground.

The ensuing fall incurred several splinters of wood in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor, 35 minutes away inDuncan . She told him she was an environmentalist and anti-hunter and how she came to receive all of the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience. He then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help.

The impatient patient sat, and sat, and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded,
'What took you so long?'

He smiled and said, 'Well, I had to get permits from Environment Canada , BC Forest Service and Worksafe BC before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down.'

A couple has a dog that snores. The woman takes the dog to their vet, who
tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog’s testicles and he will stop
snoring. “Yeah right!” she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog
begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering
to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of bright red ribbon and
ties it carefully around the dog’s testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring.
The woman is more than amazed that it worked. The next night, the husband
comes home late after being out late with his buddies. He climbs into bed,
falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon
will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of dark blue
ribbon, and ties it around her husband’s testicles. Amazingly, it also works on
him! The woman sleeps soundly. The husband wakes from his drunken stupor
and stumbles into the bathroom.As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in
the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused,
and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his
dog’s testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says, “I don’t know
where we were or what we did last night, but by God,

we got first and second place!”

A plane was on its way to Toronto, when a Blonde in economy class gets up, & moves to first class & sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this, & asks to see her ticket. She tell the Blonde that she paid for economy class & that she will have to sit in the back.

The Blonde replies, "I'm Blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto & I'm staying right here."

The flight attendant goes to the cockpit & tells the pilot & the co-pilot that their is a Blonde bimbo sitting in first class who belongs in economy, & won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the Blonde & tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leaves & return to here seat.

The Blonde replies, "I'm Blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto & I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this Blonde who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, " You say she's a Blonde? I'll handle this , I'm married to a Blonde. I speak Blonde."

He goes back to the Blonde & whispers in her ear, & she says "OH I'm sorry," & gets up & goes back to here seat in economy.

The flight attendant & co-pilot are amazed & ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

"I told her, First class isn't going to Toronto!"

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.

The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman, in particular, loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.

'I'm too young to die,' she wails.

Then she yells, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth
to be memorable!

Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'


For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.

They all stare, eyes riveted, at this desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a cowboy from Alberta stands up in the rear of the plane.



He is handsome, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.



He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one
button at a time.



No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.



She gasps.





He whispers . . .

'Iron this. Then get me a beer'.

LMFAO...

http://damnyouautocorrect.com/category/best-of-dyac/

:lol: A good one from my cousin in England :lol:


GHOST SEX

A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Ahmed replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."

Cheers
Derek N
'58, S2, 88"
:blu2a:

:D
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'Racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you

something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or, if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was

German?

Or, if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or, if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or, if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?


The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did

you ask me if I'm Polish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

Cheers
Derek N
'58, S2, 88"
:blu2a:

:D :D :D
Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "A've got everythin'
organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".

Archie nods approvingly.

"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. Whit's the tartan?"

"Och," says Jimmy, "A'd imagine she'll be in white

Cheers
Derek N
'58, S2, 88"
:blu2a: